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January 23rd, 2009

12:37 am
It's 12:37 in the morning and I have to wake up at 5:25.  But I don't want to go to bed because I don't want tomorrow to come--tomorrow and all of the daytime that I will have to face.  I really need to have a good cry, and I didn't even realize that until it flew out of my fingers just now.  I need to have a good cry for all of the sorrows of my life and for all of the good that I usually see as overpowering the bad.  The depth of feeling with which I live my life and the depth of feeling that life sometimes puts to sleep is being brought into full play tonight.  I feel so...much and it is making me need to cry and making me want to cry and making me wish that I had someone to hold me now, tonight, while I cry myself to sleep. 

I'm asking myself questions and things are being reminded to me and it is all coming at such a bad time...or perhaps it is because it's such a bad time that it's coming.  M is having minor eye surgery tomorrow morning and I am terrified.  But I can't let him know that because I know it's supposed to be my job to be strong and supportive in case he's scared and just won't tell me.  But my dad went to a hospital and I never saw him again and even though I know this surgery is minor and that everything will almost certainly be uneventful and without complication, there is a knot in my chest and I don't want tomorrow to come.  M wouldn't wake up enough to really kiss me when I got home from school and I know he was tired, but how can he not understand that I am scared of his surgery?  How can he not just know?  

And I'm so frazzled because a ghost from my past appeared tonight and reminded me how deep my thoughts and feelings are and how lost they seem to have become.  If you don't have an audience to listed to your depth (someone who wants to know the very things that make you you), you can forget its there.

The urgency to write and sort and figure things out has waned, so I guess I'll go lie in my bed and frown some more there.
Current Mood: uncomfortablesomber

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October 8th, 2008

11:36 pm - I'm a mess.
This is what happens when I don't journal often enough.  I turn into a big, confused, emotional basket case.  I stop being able to fall asleep and instead sit on the couch way past the point at which I am tired. 

I am just so confused about things between M and me.  Sometimes I just don't know what to do.  I don't know what to do and I feel like I am fundamentally damaged and incapable of being in a relationship.  But then I feel like I am completely justified in how I feel.  And then I get all confused and don't know which way of looking at things is closest to the "truth."  I am frustrated because it seems like every time I think I have found what I want, it starts to fall apart.  I feel like I am alone in everything.  

I don't know what to do.  One instinct is telling me to just shut up, stop complaining, and stop ruining everything.  Another instinct is telling me that now is the only point at which it is possible to fix what will eventually become unsolvable.  One instinct is telling me that I should just be glad I found someone who loves me.  Another one screams that having someone love you just isn't enough to sustain a worthwhile relationship.  One instinct says he's working too much and making the choice to put all of that above everything else.  But then another instinct says that I should just be glad with whatever attention he has left and wants to give me.

I feel needy and desperate and I feel like if I keep not being okay with the way things are, he will just say "forget it" and walk away.  I feel like I am so in love with him and he has settled for just living together in relative harmony.  One instinct says that's good enough and that's all you can ever hope to sustain long-term.  But the other instinct is that that is just not good enough for me.  One piece of me says we can have more; the other piece says that he has to want more.  I feel like I am ruining things and I am scared because I don't know what to do.  I feel like I am going crazy and there's something wrong with me that I can't just be satisfied with what I have.  

I just don't know what to do or how to be or what I have or what I want.  I feel like I am ready to burst.
Current Mood: anxiousanxious

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October 7th, 2008

07:15 pm - I need to vent.
I am so frustrated and I feel like things are just stewing and stewing inside of me and I can feel the pressure building and building.  I really, really dislike one of my professors this semester in a way that I haven't despised a professor since my horrible AP American history teacher in high school.  She is awful and I don't have the time, energy, or inclination to deal with her stupid-ass ego.  Honestly, we're at midterm and I am really, really tempted to just drop the class and take it again next semester with the professor I took biology from over the summer.  I'm doing well in the class (97%)...which I would wager is one of the highest grades (if not the highest grade) anyone is getting.  But I HATE her class.  I HATE it.  And I hate studying for it because it is such a stupid waste of my time.  The average grade on the first test was 72%.  1/3 of the class dropped after the first test, which I think makes her really proud.  She made us write a scientific journal-style lab report on a stupid, elementary lab.  She gave us a 4 page single-spaced handout specifying exactly what she wanted the lab report to be (which was full of grammar mistakes, by the way) and then a week and a half after we turned them in, she tells the class that nearly everyone got a 35/50 on the first lab report.  I got a 40/50, but I'm still pretty pissed.  I followed her instructions to a "t" and she just really seems to take pride in being a pain in the ass.  She is a horrible lecturer and she is way too abrasive and immature to be a person I would like to learn from.  Not to mention the fact that she is going way beyond the scope of what an introductory microbiology class should be and expecting us to memorize extremely detailed information on a whole slew of drugs and chemicals.  Not to mention that we don't even understand the terms used to describe the detailed information she is expecting us to know.  UGH.  ARGH.  I don't have time for this shit.  And the big thing that pisses me off is that there's no reason that I should even have to deal with this shit.  If she would just teach us what we need to know...or at least only hold us responsible for what we need to know for THIS CLASS.  My sister said that the shit she's making us learn is stuff that she learned in her med school pharmacology class.  WTF.  This is a 200-level introductory course.  And her damn personality drives me nuts.  ARGH.  I'm supposed to be studying right now (test tomorrow) and I'm just sitting here fuming instead.  Damn.  There's no way I'm going to be able to memorize all of this shit before tomorrow morning.  So agitated.

Current Mood: crankycranky

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August 5th, 2008

01:45 pm - My damn tooth
Seriously?  Can I not get a break with my damn teeth?  So I'm supposed to have an apicoectomy on my tooth on the 18th (because the 3 attempts at a root canal failed), but I noticed last night that my tooth is actually turning gray.  Seriously, it's turning gray around the gumline.  Which I'm assuming means that the hollowness of the tooth for the last month and a half has caught up to me and the tooth is dead or dying.  I left a message for the oral surgeon and am waiting to hear back.  Stupid tooth.
Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated

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August 4th, 2008

05:36 pm - A Lovely Weekend
We went blueberry picking and to the beach on Saturday.  It was really, really nice.  We drove an hour and a half to a blueberry farm in Indiana and picked 10 lbs of blueberries!  So far, we've made blueberry pancakes and a blueberry pie, which were both absolutely de-licious.  After that, we got burgers and then drove a few minutes to the beach.  It was absolutely perfect beach weather--80 degrees and sunny.  It was warm enough but not too hot.  Add going to the beach to my list of favorite things to do with M.  I really just love spending time with him and I love when I feel so special to him as I did on Saturday.  We actually ran into some friends of his from back home at the beach and went to dinner with him, which was nice.

All in all, it was a really great weekend.  Yesterday we pretty much just lazed around (and went to the grocery store).  We made a delicious dinner, too.  Smoked salmon, pasta and pesto with basil from my herb garden (which turned out amazingly well, actually), and corn on the cob....with fresh, warm blueberry pie and vanilla ice cream for dessert.  Yummmm.

M has to work late again tonight.  He's not sure when he'll get home, so I'm left to entertain myself a little longer.  Oh well.  I suppose I could (or should) clean my room.  Seriously, I should clean my room.  But ugh...I just don't want to.  Maybe in a little bit.  We also set up his old TV in his room on Saturday night, so I could always laze around in bed and watch a movie instead. 
Current Mood: boredbored

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August 2nd, 2008

07:16 am - He made me talk about it, of course...
I just said that I think we're in two different places and I'm trying to adjust so that I'm not just setting myself up to get hurt.  And then I said that I didn't want to talk about it because there was no way that talking would change how either of us felt.  He didn't seem to know where all of this was coming I told him what comment I was reacting to.  Well, supposedly he was just "being goofy" and he's in it 100%.  I informed him that his love for me and the long-term prospects of his love for me are not things to kid about.  Geez! 

I still feel a little unsettled about the whole business.  I was afraid that talking about it would inevitably lead to him apologizing and reassuring me...and I only want that if it's true and entirely sincere.  He swears it is and that he was just taking for granted that I knew that.  I also said that I'm okay with wherever he's at...but that it's only fair for me to know if he's thinking that way. 

I really would like to just believe him and go back to being freakishly happy with the whole relationship. 


I slept horribly last night...I kept tossing and turning.  I slept in my own bed more than normal this week, and I think the crappiness of it did quite a number on my back and neck.  But that's okay because...

We're going on a mini-road trip to go blueberry picking and to the beach today.  It's supposed to be 80 degrees and we'll get sweaty and gross picking blueberries and then get some burgers and go cool off at the beach.  Whoo-hoo!
Current Mood: tiredtired

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August 1st, 2008

11:10 am - In the light of day...
I feel a lot better today.  I don't necessarily think that things are all better, but I'm not so emotional about it all in the light of day.  I think that I'm just prone to optimism, which can create problems when my optimism isn't warranted.  Not to say that my optimism isn't justified with M.  It just comes as a blow when I'm reminded that he loves me, he loves me, he loves me.....but that might go away!

I know that if he genuinely doesn't trust me, it's about him, not me.  I know that I am not a jerkface and I know that any jerkface-y tendencies I have (and we all have them) only come out when there's not open communication.  It just sucks that things are mostly so great between us...but then there's this big huge unwarranted roadblock. 

I don't want to talk about this with him, though.  I don't see how it could possibly help.  He could tell that I was affected when he said it last night, and I think it's enough for him to know I want to be trusted.  But I think I need to just be okay with where he's at...that's the only way to build more trust.  But I also think that I need to pull myself back a little bit.  Which I'm sure he'll notice and want to talk about.  But it's not fair for him to try to keep me at arm's length and push me away and then get upset or confused when it works and distance appears between us.  I have to take care of myself and that means noticing and reacting if I feel I might be being set up to get hurt.  I mean, I know that for a relationship to have a shot at working, you can't always be protecting yourself.  But someone needs to tell M that!  I can't give my whole self over to this if he's not willing to. 

Time will tell, I suppose.  Time will tell.  My goal is to not freak out and to just go with the flow.  Not to make a big huge deal out of this right now.
Current Mood: calmcalm

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12:29 am - An undelivered letter
Dear M,

I’ve thought a lot about how to say this without it sounding like I’m trying to punish you for not trusting me.  But this is a problem and I have the right to know where I stand.  See, I don’t necessarily think that it’s as simple as you “one day realizing that [I’m] not jerkface material.”  I don’t think it’s that simple.  I have given you absolutely no reason to think that I’m going to suddenly turn into a jerkface and to be honest, it hurts my feelings that you even think that’s a possibility.  I’m afraid that you’re never going to trust me.  I guess I doubt that you’re even willing to or capable of really trusting me entirely.  And I doubt that you ever will.  You know me so well and if you still don’t know that I am not going to transform into a bitch…well, I doubt that you ever will. 

I don’t want to be in this relationship if the prospect of your future love for me is always going to be framed in your mind as being contingent on me not “turning into a jerkface.”  If it’s temporary and you just need time, okay.  But we’re reaching the point (or we’ve already reached it) where our interactions have settled into patterns; and if this is the pattern we’re in, I don’t know if that’s okay with me.  Obviously, the relationship would fall apart if either of us turned into mean or inconsiderate people.  But you keep reminding me of the fact that you won’t love me anymore if I turn into a “jerkface.”  Like I even could.  If I’m always going to be kept at an arm’s length, I need to know about it now because I need to decide if I can deal with that.  I’m pretty sure I already know the answer.  You’ll love me “as long as I don’t turn into a jerkface.”  Well, ditto.  But isn’t that kind of an understood, unstated truth?  But you just won’t let it be…you have to constantly remind me that you don’t entirely trust me.  Again, if it’s just a matter of time, fine.  But I just can’t get myself to believe that it is.  You know me so well and if you still think I can transform into a jerk, I don’t know that there is ever going to be anything I can say or do to change that.  And obviously there’s not going to be some magical chronological point at which that fear disappears.  We’ve all been hurt in the past, but if you’re never going to be able to trust me with your heart, I don’t see how this will ever work.

I know I’m being overdramatic right now and I know that things probably aren’t as black and white as they seem to me now, but my gut and my instincts scream when I hear you say what you said tonight.  “Are you going to love me for a long time to come?”  “As long as you don’t turn into a jerkface.”  Well, yeah.  Obviously.  But is that really what you think is going to happen?  Are you just looking for a safe “out?”  Are you just feeling overwhelmed?  I mean, it’s not like I’m pressuring you….you ask me stuff like that too. 

I meant what I said tonight about you not needing to apologize for how you feel.  That is a belief I hold at the core of my principles.  You feel how you feel and you don’t need to apologize to me for feeling how you feel.  I know that feeling guilty about how you feel isn’t going to change how you feel.  So I don’t want you to feel guilty.  And if you’re feeling like you can’t trust that I’ll be loveable down the road, I want you to tell me.  I need you to tell me because I need to know where I stand.  I need to know how you feel about me and about us.  It’s only fair that I know how you feel.  Tonight after you went to bed, I was struck with an overwhelming sense of needing to protect myself and my heart.  If you can’t trust me and are pushing me away, I need to pull myself back.  I need to know how you feel because it affects how I feel and how I act.

I’ve been in a relationship where I wasn’t trusted and I don’t want to do that again.  If you can’t trust me, you owe it to me to not string me along.  I’m not looking for a halfhearted relationship with halfhearted love and halfhearted trust.  Obviously you’d stop trusting me if I turned into a jerk.  Obviously your love would falter (at the least) or break completely if I turned into a jerk.  But it’s too hard on me to constantly live with the threat of your love being ripped away from me.  With the constant reminder hanging over my head that if I screw up badly enough you’ll stop loving me.  Duh.  I know this already.  That’s a fact of life.  Must you keep reminding me? 

It just….it hurts me because I give so freely of myself and (wah wah, poor me) it just doesn’t seem fair that I can’t get that in return.  You say that we were made for each other.  You say that you know this can work.  And then you remind me that it might not work.  You say that you love me and then you remind me that you might stop.  I don’t have a lot of demands.  I’m not high maintenance.  I am nice and considerate and generally a pretty damn good person.  I know that shit happens and I know that people stop loving each other.  But damn it, why can’t you just be happy and let me love you and let yourself love me?  I’ve had shit happen to me too.  I’ve had more than my share of people let me down and write me off and stop loving me.  I know that people’s love for me is conditional.  That’s been my reality for years, okay?  I get it.  But can’t we just go with it?  Can’t we just let this amazing thing really fly?  We both know it can work.  Do we have to tether it down with conditions and clauses?  Obviously, they’re there.  But do we have to always have them in the fronts of our minds?  They strip down my hope and they strip down my optimism.  Their constant presence in my mind and my consciousness give me a sinking feeling that you’re never going to really trust me and it makes me feel like everything we’ve shared is faulty and somehow unwhole.  I don’t like feeling like that because the last 7 months have opened my eyes with hope for a future that I never thought possible.  And I don’t want to lose it.  Even more than that, I don’t want it to not have been real.

Current Mood: melancholymelancholy

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July 31st, 2008

01:13 pm

I just looked up my books for fall and they're way more expensive than my books for summer were.  I got my Biology book online for $20 and my Nutrition book for $23.  But the books I need for fall are each like $90 at both Amazon and  I'm holding off still in the hopes that some more people will post their books.  I can't wait too much longer, though, to allow for shipping.  I still have some time. 
Current Mood: worriedworried

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10:55 am - My plan for today...
I don't have one.

The stupid bookstore was closed yesterday....I might go back today.  We'll see.  I ended up walking a TON yesterday because I was on my way home and had the choice between spending $1.75 for the bus (I had already used my two transfers) and walking home instead of taking a second bus.  So I walked it.  It was probably a mile and a half, which isn't that far, but it was hot and I'd already walked around during my shopping adventures.  I did succeed, though, on a few of my shopping goals.  I got my mom a birthday present, I used my VS coupon to get a boring but functional everyday bra, and I got 4 cute little blue mini-bowls on sale for $1.50 (total) at World Market.  I've been thinking lately that I needed some bowls that're smaller than cereal bowls to eat things like ice cream and sliced strawberries in.  Cause I've read that the bigger the dishes, the bigger portions people serve themselves, and I sure don't need a whole big bowl of ice cream! 

Perhaps I will go to the bookstore and get a new phone today.  My phone situation is getting dire.  I've had the same phone all of my cell phone toting life (what, six years now?  seven?).  I've never taken advantage of the free phone upgrade because you have to sign a 2 year contract and I like my phone so what was the point?  Well, my phone has seen better days.  If you shake it gently by your ear, you can definitely hear something rattling around, which I'm guessing isn't such a good thing.  The letters on the buttons are almost totally worn off which makes text messaging rather difficult.  I definitely need a new phone.  The thing is that I already have the cheapest plan that AT&T offers and I don't even come close to using all of the minutes.  I do have the $5.00 text message add-on, which I actually use.  But the cheapest AT&T plan is still $10 more expensive than the cheapest plans from Sprint (and one other provider, I think).  Sprint service sucks in my apartment, though.  And I've never had any problems with my phone or service plan.  But I think I'm going to go in and just ask what the best deal they can give me is and if they tell me the plan I've got plus the text messaging is the cheapest deal they can give me, I'll go check out Sprint and/or other providers.  I know that they have a lot of wiggle room in what they can offer and it's silly for me to pay money for minutes I just don't use.  Even if they were to give me the text messages for free that would make a difference--$5 a month doesn't seem like a lot, but it is when money's tight.  We'll see.  I've been putting all of this business off for a long time because I don't like negotiating or dealing with this kind of stuff.  So my plan is to not get into negotiating, but to just ask if they can put me on an old plan with fewer minutes (I know they used to offer a cheaper plan) or if there is any way for me to pay less every month and if they say no, I'll just say, "Okay, thanks for your time, I'm going to go check out some other providers."

Okay, so I recorded Project Runway last night and am watching it now, and this stupid guy keeps talking about himself in 3rd person, which is absolutely among the most annoying things ever.  By the way. 

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